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Friendships, Relationships and Online Dating

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Over the past few years the hype on online dating has increasingly grown with advertisements on websites and TV. Even some of my family members have met people from online, which has resulted in a Christian marriage or engagement leading to marriage.

For myself I have done online dating and haven’t had much luck or in better words God hasn’t given me anyone who is right for me through online.

I’ve experienced the worst case scenarios of online dating, from meeting fakes, to extremely religious men with a lot of truth spoken, but when it comes down to solid foundational faith, binding statutes, their knowledge is worthless and dead due to their spirits not being renewed and saved.

Sadly, through learning all this I went through a two year relationship which came to nothing but heartache. I was reminded of the truth I already knew, that unless someone is saved you cannot be equally yoked and that you cannot save another individual, only God alone can be the giver of such a gift.

I want to share my thoughts on what I have learned through online dating and ask others, before diving into a dating world of deep sinful territories, which a lot of Christians don’t know about, to steer clear, because, in my opinion they shouldn’t enter.

Do Not Accept What Harms Your Faith

From a young age I have always tried to maintain an outlook in life that if something compromises my faith I will depart from it. Sometimes I have made mistakes like anyone else, but this has been the main foundation I stand by, while striving to serve the Lord in trueness while the ‘old man’ tries to send me astray.

When you have this outlook in life you are more than likely to lose friends, jobs and sometimes family members. It’s happened to me. Now, I spend a lot of my time with family and older church members and rest in a safe community of people I know truly care for my wellbeing and are of the same mind.

In the past I have tried to maintain groups of friends, with great difficulty, and they never led me to joy or peace, but always a pressing feeling that I need to depart as I did not share the same values. It doesn’t mean I was rude or abrupt in my departure, I just didn’t agree to going to the same places they went to and after a while, of them asking me multiple times and getting the same answer ‘no’, we went our separate ways. They got the picture and ended up not asking me to do anything and just faded away.

Some might find this sad and that my life has been left boring, with no interlude of happiness or fun things happening. Quiet? No! To the contrary, serving and wanting to be at one with God is surrounding yourself with people who are of the same mind. Not people who swear and curse left, right and centre, and have conversations about sinful things, or go to sinful places.

What My Own Life Shows Me

For myself this is literal: If I’m around non-believers I’m polite and we can get on really well, however, due to spiritual differences, I can feel out of place. For me it is a gain to put God first and depart from these friendships and yes, that’s even if it leaves me with no friends at all! I get more joy, happiness and peace of mind being independent in God.

I’m not against having friends if they are true Christians, but even when I have met with so called Christians I have been pushed out! Why? Because I guess I don’t speak in PC terms and I live by the word of God alone and nothing else. I’m naturally straightforward without harshness, and I guess, to others, that can be pretty intimidating when I am so solid on what I believe in.

Many who have called themselves true Christians, and have spoken to me, are not spiritually alive and have proven that with their arguments made on manmade ideas and not on what God says.

I always ask ‘Christian’ friends, or even when dating, a simple question:

“What does predestination mean to you?”

The majority of them reply with “I don’t know” or with indirect answers because they have no idea of what it is, so they start by saying “God loves everyone and Jesus came to save us from our sins”. Or they have heard of predestination, but their interpretation is misled and corrupted by manmade ideas and confused by ‘Free Will’. Or, as always, you can choose to be saved and can jump in and out of salvation because they are that self-righteous… I think not.

My point is, in this life I haven’t met one true Christian who is in their twenties. I have met older true Christians, but can count the names in my head now and it’s below 10, the rest are family and that’s only a handful. I’m not saying that there are no other Christians out in the world with the right doctrine or who are saved and we are the only ones. However, I go by the fruit I see and the answers given, which, most of the time, are self-explanatory.

Matthew 7:17 – 20 AKJV

“17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.”

So, all in all, meeting another true Christian is very rare in my opinion.

My Online Dating Fiasco

In 2010 I decided to explore online dating. I did not know true Christians around my area and I thought it would be interesting to see if any other people were being taught true doctrine or if there was someone who was on the same belief wave length as me.

I think in 2010 online dating was ‘a thing’, but not as much as it is today! I remember back then it was still sort of a weird thing to talk about, and people were embarrassed to say they were even on a dating website. However, I didn’t see the harm and definitely today it is ‘the in thing to do’ if you’re single and, sadly, if you’re not single, but looking for a side relationship. Yep, men and women lie that they are single, but actually they are in a relationship/married and just want a side thing.

I have never used Tinder dating website, but back in 2014 The Guardian stated in an article that:

“42% of people using dating app Tinder already have a partner”

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/may/07/dating-app-tinder-married-relationship 

I can imagine this percentage being much higher today and yes, even on Christian dating websites. I’ve spoken to a guy on Christian Connection and found out at a later point he was in a relationship. I’ve also heard this happen to other people, Christian or not.

The Christian Dating websites I tried were: Christian Mingle, Christian Connection and SALT

I only bought subscriptions once on Christian Connection and once on Christian Mingle. I didn’t actually spend too much time on these websites and sometimes not even finishing my membership due to not finding anyone suitable and finding it tedious and hard work.

There are a lot of extremely religious people online who talk the talk, but don’t walk the walk. They speak about the easy things like how Jesus came to the world to save us, but don’t have any solid substance to carry on, such as why he actually died for the elects’ sins and how we are saved by predestination.

I’ve even had people message me and say they had a vision that we were meant to be together, and one person even found out where I went to church and emailed my pastor for permission to have my hand in marriage, without me knowing!

Online I met many who called themselves ‘Christian’, but who were in cults. It also taught me a lot of how wrong teaching is in Catholicism, JW’ism, Charismaticism and much more. It’s really sad to see… even from being on a dating site for a week I could meet someone and things could progress pretty quickly. However, when on these websites I have always had a weird and unsettling feeling. This is why I wasn’t on the websites for long.

Signing-Up For Disaster

Since last year, I was urged by 3 different people to try SALT dating website. I felt a bit iffy about it, but carried on with the sign-up. I got speaking to different people, but still I felt a pressing on me that something wasn’t right. I prayed about how I was feeling and started to think that Online Dating was not for me and God just didn’t want me on them and wanted me to have full faith and trust in Him that He will bring someone into my life in His time.

However, before I closed my account, I went onto the search engine of SALT and went to the search bar and saw that men could search for men and women could search for women. I had seen this before, but for some reason only now did it hit me! Being part of these Christian Dating Websites that promote these things is agreeing to their policy that same sex relationships and same sex marriage are ok and this is a smack in the face to God. With the guilt of realising I’ve known this for a long time and never said anything about it or gone off dating websites because of it, I felt pressed to email SALT to ask why their dating website had this option on a Christian dating website.

Their reply by email (July 2019) was:

“SALT has always been open to the LGBT community and we have no plans currently to change that”

With this response I felt sick to the stomach. It was simple to see, but for some reason over the years I didn’t join the dots! Is this why it has never sat well with me, and why I had the feeling it is wrong? God made it clear as day that because I was signing up to these dating websites which encouraged same sex relationships and same sex marriage, it was sinful and wrong, I felt stupid to not even connect the dots, etc.

Besides this, I never agreed with the whole cattle market of photos and only clicking on a photo because you found someone physically attractive. Online dating in general is promoting and setting our standards on vanity and basing our relationships on it, which is far from Biblical. Not even mentioning how someone can change their appearance with a certain turn, light or angle. Attraction is important, but it’s far from the most important thing!

The Sinister Agenda behind the Dating Websites

On some of the dating websites, a questionnaire and a robot expert asks a few questions and concludes they now know my personality after a quiz. Based on this they found me the perfect match sent from God! A robot sending a person from God? I don’t see God in this at all. There is a lot more I could say on this method and approach on how these websites actually push us away from God’s teachings, but you get the gist.

While writing this article I decided to Google search ‘Christian Dating Websites’ and the ones I mentioned previously were noted, but also eHarmony and without clicking on the website, a preview box of information said:

“Founded by a Christian psychologist, eHarmony is committed to helping Christian singles find love every day. We are confident in our ability to help you, too. Our Compatibility Matching System matches Christian single men and women based on 29 dimensions of compatibility, like core values and beliefs.” (September 2019)

I then clicked on the relevant link below the preview box and was directed to a sign-up page. It quotes the same text above with a little more detail, but mainly focusing on how Christians can use this site to meet other Christians. It puzzled me because on the TV adverts which are on every day, I haven’t seen any advertisement about this solely being a Christian website. So I decided to change my Google search to ‘ eHarmony about me page’. This then came up with a central ‘about me’ page with no mention at all about Christianity, and it said:

“Clinical psychologist and marriage counsellor, Dr Neil Clark Warren, has spent more than 35 years applying scientific methods to understand what makes couples happy in their relationships. And in 1997, he had come to believe there was a better way to find love rather than letting luck determine your fate so he launched eHarmony.com, a dating site that deeply matches singles based on compatibility”.

So this means that marketing strategy is being used. When someone types Christian dating or Christian dating eHarmony a holding page with a few small paragraphs come up about how eHarmony is one of the best Christian Dating websites, but when you just type in eHarmony nothing to do with Christianity is mentioned. This is clever marketing on their part, but false advertising and wrong.

With this information I was interested to see if eHarmony had the same sex search bar as the other dating websites. To my surprise if you click for a man it automatically searches for a woman and if you press a woman it automatically searches for a man. I was a bit shocked by this as I didn’t know such a big dating brand such as eHarmony held those values. I felt there must be a catch so I decided to sign up and create an account to do a little digging and research as I knew something was still not right.

Choosing Looks, Not the Person

First thing I was told after signing up was that if I wanted to see men’s profile pictures and speak to my future husband I must subscribe, but 50% off for my first 3 months! This enables me to pick and choose from photos of who I think is the best looking… Then I look through their profile and see if their writing is as good as their appearance. I’m just saying how it is…

I’ve also known some men to go for a girl who looks so-called ‘churchified’… supposedly this is a girl who looks plain, not much make up and looks sensible. If she looks like that and goes to a friendly church she’s a catch. If your relationship is based on looks or going through a process of the way someone looks determining your decision, then I wouldn’t like to see the future of your godly relationship… Relationships are much more than that - especially a Christian relationship.

Also if you can’t afford to pay you will not meet the person God wants you to meet! Do we really think God will not allow us to meet a suitable person if we do not pay a commercial dating agency?

Why should we pay to meet someone? Why should we limit God’s work and put a boulder in front of it called MONEY, which stops you from seeing the predestined person you’re meant to meet online? It doesn’t sit right according to God’s word, doesn’t add up, and actually replaces Gods word and faith.

If you carry on reading eHarmony you will understand that their matches are based on scientific personality measures to match you to your future spouse. Nothing about God, nothing about The Bible. Nothing except a manmade company asking for money for you to meet the love of your life.

Dr Neil Clark Warren who is the founder and chairman of eHarmony interested me, and still feeling there was a catch, I decided to do another Google Search, but based on his name. Wikipedia explains his biography and the first few lines says it all:

“Neil Clark Warren (born September 18, 1934) is an American clinical psychologist, Christian theologian, seminary professor, chairman and co-founder of the online relationship sites eHarmony and Compatible Partners.”

A Form of Deception, All For Money Profit

So I already knew what eHarmony dating services were, but what was Compatible Partners?

I clicked on the hyperlink highlighting it’s name and it came up with a Wikipedia biography of Compatible Partners, which says:

“Compatible Partners is an online relationship service. Compatible Partners serves the gay and lesbian community, matching men and women with compatible singles of the same sex, taking into consideration what it considers the key dimensions of personality. Compatible Partners was launched by eHarmony Inc. on March 31, 2009. The website was launched in response to a settlement with the state of New Jersey, following a lawsuit against eHarmony for discrimination against same-sex couples.”

“eHarmony was founded by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, a clinical psychologist, with his son-in-law. When it began, eHarmony did not offer same-sex matches; Warren said "I take a real strong stand against same-sex marriage, anywhere that I can comment on it."”

“In 2010, eHarmony settled a separate class-action lawsuit filed in California that alleged illegal discrimination based on sexual orientation. The company, which did not admit wrongdoing, agreed to allow access to both its gay and straight dating sites with a single subscription, to display its gay dating services more prominently and to establish a settlement fund to pay people who can show they were harmed by the company's policies.”

“eHarmony has a sister website which is dedicated to same sex relationships and has been allowed by the creator of eHarmony, Dr. Neil Clark Warren.”

Others Found to be the Same

This then led me to research other Christian dating websites I have signed up to, and I realised it wasn’t just eHarmony, but for Christian Mingle, too, who encountered a lawsuit which changed their ways also:

“Christian Mingle was launched in 2001 by Spark Networks. The site has over 16 million members. Because of the focus on relationships between Christian singles, Christian Mingle is considered a special-interest online personals site. Former CEO Adam Berger has referred to this type of service as "niche" dating.

In the 2013 Webby Awards, Christian Mingle was an honoree in the Religion & Spirituality category. The site also received the Editor's Top Pick - Christian Award from DatingSiteReviews.com in 2015.

In 2013, the company authorized the repurchase of $5 million of its outstanding common stock.

Christian Mingle launched its dating app in late 2014.

In July 2016, Christian Mingle began accommodating gay men and women as the result of a non-discrimination lawsuit. Previously, the site had only allowed users to choose either "man seeking woman" or "woman seeking man." The change removed this profile designation and allowed users the option to see either opposite-sex or same-sex matches. [2]”

See the pattern?

I also searched Christian Connection However, they have always supported LGBT:

“Yes, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Christians are welcome to join Christian Connection. We are open to all single Christians, regardless of tradition, ethnicity, sexual orientation and gender identity. Our matching system is designed to recommend people based on their profile and search preferences. Your own search results will only feature people that match your own preferences”

https://help.christianconnection.com/help/is-christian-connection-open-to-lgbt-people 

Dating Sites Spread a Wicked Lie, for the Sake of Money

All these Christian Dating websites are sending out messages that Same Sex Marriage is ok and that Christians are push-overs, and that when we go to court we lose and change and adapt to what our enemies want and forget God completely. Instead of ending the website and giving it over to God and glorifying him in the process, or fighting the legal challenge, they decide to gain more money and ignore God’s word.

Christian websites can NOT agree to these terms and this also stands for us. I believe that signing up to these Christian dating websites is signing up to the LGBT community agenda and agreeing with it. For myself I cannot agree with it or go on Christian Dating websites anymore, or any dating website for reasons given throughout this article.

For myself I don’t go clubbing or get blind drunk or go to places which are morally wrong or effect my spiritual state. You gain nothing by going to these places, except the anger of God. The way society says you meet people is through these ways, but I will not participate in them. There are other ways to meet people through hobbies or just when God allows it to happen. I trust with all my heart God will give someone to me in His own time in whatever way he thinks is best, and, for myself, I see no moral or spiritual reason to go through a dating site, given their values and methods.

I believe also that meeting someone face to face is a better as you can see facial expressions and vibes which speak more truth than what the actual person says. The truth always comes out anyway. Plus, I have noticed that online dating is very gripping. You can get sucked into being serious very quickly and subtly. You can feel immense emotion just through a computer screen to someone you haven’t even met or know? I say this from previous experience and from talking to other Christians who have used dating websites.

The fact you get to talk to multiple people at the same time with the same intentions (“could this person be my future spouse”?) is unnerving. I believe it should be a one on one commitment. It doesn’t mean you can’t walk away, but I think in God’s eyes if I am to talk to multiple men at the same time with wondering if I can date or maybe marry one day, it gives wrong ideas and outlook on how we should be dating as Christians.

My Conclusions

There is so much more I could say on this subject, but the main reason for writing this is because I know a lot of Christians can feel isolated for many different reasons; family issues, friends etc. This can leave us with an underlying feeling we should search for someone who has the same thoughts and who have common ground with us, but this doesn’t mean we jump the race and start searching ourselves, trust me -  it leads you nowhere… except up the garden path!

It puts a lot of pressure on yourself when really it’s not up to you who you marry or should be equally yoked with, it’s up to God. God is sovereign and knows what’s best for us. In His time He will provide the right person at the right time. Once you have honestly given up the search and given everything over to God, your loneliness will fade.

You can have true happiness through Christ and a God who never lets you down like humans do. We have a sound God who only gives the best.

Instead why not focus on reading your Bible daily, keeping God’s commandments and striving to live a righteous life and simply getting on with your life and making the most of it, instead of waiting around.

Dating websites do one thing only - they direct you away from God and Godly thinking by way of clever marketing.

Instead, forget the websites, start with God, and think on His statutes and word, and you won’t go far wrong.

© September 2019

Published on www.christiandoctrine.com

Bible Theology Ministries - PO Box 415, Swansea, SA5 8YH
Wales
United Kingdom